Non-scale victory

Despite the title, this actually involves the scale. 

I gained something like 8 1/2 pounds the other day.  I mean in one day.  That's not really possible, even for me.  I fluctuate, but not like that.

Then I realized that the scale was not where it usually was in the bathroom.  So I moved it a couple of feet.  Down about six.  I moved it again.  Up a few.

Apparently, the curvature of the floor in my (very old) house matters to the scale.  I had no idea.  I also am not really sure where the scale is accurate. 

I know I haven't lost much (if any) weight in the last year.  I'm also beginning to doubt the "eat your BMR and lose weight" concept.  But I have also figured out that scale placement matters.  It has to be consistent.

I feel a tiny bit as if I'm starting over.

Just strange

So, I was complaining about the scale last time.  The other night, I went to bed at 330.2.  That's the highest in a long time.  I lose at night (it's all water).  This morning, after breakfast, the gym, and a post-workout greek yogurt, I was at 321.2.  So strange.  So so strange.

NSV

Confession.  I gained a pound over Thanksgiving.  Damn.

Ok, here’s the thing.  I don’t really think I did, despite what the scale says.  And even if I did, I don’t think it’s fat.  I have been working out again, somewhat regularly.  I’ve been tracking consistently.  Yes, I went over a bit last week, but by about 500 calories, not 3500.

So where’d that pound come from?  Who the hell knows?  As a practical matter, I don’t think you can draw any conclusions at the margin.  What I know is that a few weeks ago, I was tired of weighing the same (give or take) for more than a month.  That was three (or four) pounds ago.  The trend is down.  This is good.

Some other indicators are good, too.  My watch is starting to roll around my wrist, meaning the band is too big.  Almost too big.  Heh.  I’ve already tightened it one notch.  Another notch is a win.  Also, the skin.  I have some loose skin. 

Now, I lost about 120 pounds when I was in college.  I had a fair amount of loose skin back then.  Before I got a chance to have it removed, I gained weight.  I was stupid back then.  I thought, cool, I’m cured.  I was not cured.  And I put back on about 180 pounds.  I can’t believe it, either.  I’m own 80, and I want to get back down to where I was.

Back to the skin.  When I spread my arms out, you can see the skin hanging down.  Near my elbows, it actually wrinkles.  The skin above my belly button is all wrinkly, too.  Sound gross?  Maybe.  But I’m psyched.  This is progress.  The skin is not being pulled tight by fat.  It’s being pulled down by gravity.  So awesome.

My wife tells me that once I get to where I want to be and stay there for a while (six months, a year), she’s ok with my getting surgery.  And I want it.  She pointed out that the scars will be pretty serious.  She’s right.  I’ve seen pictures of people who have had tummy tucks.  The scarring is significant.  She pointed out that I won’t be comfortable at the beach.  Also true.  But I have never in my life been comfortable at a beach.  No loss there.  (I’m fascinated by guys who are ok with taking off their shirts and women who can run around in tiny bikinis.  I wonder what that would be like.  I’ll never know.)  I actually fear surgery, but I’m not ruling it out.  It would be really cool to be actually thin.

So, thinner wrists, loose skin.  They trump the one pound up.  I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing. 

Health and weight

I should have knocked wood after writing the post about my (lack of) health problems.  It turns out that I have a herniated disc somewhere in the lumbar region.  Family history (dad, sister) of those, plus my symptoms and my weight all suggest a disc.  The doctor mentioned my weight a couple of times in talking about it.  He was not unkind.  In fact, he's nicely marbled himself. 

But weight has plenty to do with back problems.  The weight is an additional burden on a skeleton not designed to carry heavy loads.  I had muscle spasms several times when I was 80 pounds heavier than I am now.  They went away as I dropped.  This time, the problem felt totally different.  Not muscular.

The disc problem appeared Wednesday night.  I didn't sleep much that night or Thursday, because I couldn't get comfortable.  Thanks to some heavy duty pain and muscle relaxing meds, I've been able to sleep.  But the problem hasn't gone away, and I'll probably have to do some physical therapy.  The doctor also said not to go to the gym.  I actually like the gym.  I wonder if the PT will believe that I can (and do) stay on the elliptical for up to an hour. 

But I'm trying to look on the bright side.  Part of fixing this without surgery is strengthening the core.  I could use some help learning how to do that.  The real hard part will be losing weight without being able to move much.  I don't want to make the injury worse.  That would be counterproductive over the long haul.

I'm considering moving to straight calorie counting from WW points.  I think I have a handle on eating healthy, for the most part.  I want a more accurate measure of what I'm eating.  Calories are pretty much a zero-sum game.  Since I've been on a plateau for a long time (except this week--see below) , I want to change things up.  I learned today that if I'm tired and in pain, a buffet is a bad place for me to go.  Heh.  I'm over by about 350 calories for the day.  It's not going to break me, but I'm not thrilled.  I ate kind of mindlessly at lunch.  It didn't seem to be that big a lunch, but I hit a lot of high-fat foods.  Carnitas.  Carrot cake.  That kind of thing.


Finally, I didn't weigh in today.  This was in part because of my back.  It was also (if I'm being honest) that I put on some weight.  I expected to this week.  It was the week of my anniversary, and we went out to eat and had plenty of cake.  But I didn't want to face it, either.  Call me a wuss.

That's it.  We'll see how the week goes.

Cheating

Today I weighed in at a meeting. Down 1.4, which is not as much as I had hoped. It's also for two weeks. I have to remember that in my world, where staying the same is a win, losing is a big deal. I'm down almost 30 pounds since April. There are faster ways to do it, especially when you're as big as I am, but I want something I can live with long term. I want to change my life.

I was up for about an hour last night. When my brain starts working, I sometimes have a hard time getting it to stop. Last night was bad because I thought of something that happened when I was a kid. I was 13 or 14, and it was around a holiday, because my mother's parents were there, too. We'd had a roast beef instead of a turkey, so I'm not sure what the occasion was. Probably Christmas. Anyway, a couple hours after we ate, I was in the basement at our miniature pool table. I had cut off some pieces of the meat for a snack. At some point I was going up to cut off pieces of meat so often I was tired of it, and there was so little of the roast left, that I just took the whole thing down with me and at it while I shot pool. This was probably a six or seven pound roast, half of which had fed five of us plus two grandparents.

My dad looked for the roast later to make some sandwiches--you know, a light dinner. He couldn't find it, asked me where I was. "I ate it," I said. Very sheepish. That created a crisis, embarrassment (me because I was out of control, the folks because I was out of control and they didn't know what to do).

I couldn't possibly have been hungry. I don't know what was going on. Maybe I was bored. Maybe I was agitated about something. I don't even remember what happened after that. But I'm still mortified about it, and I try to think what I would do if I were that kid's parent. In a way, today I am.

Today in the meeting, someone mentioned how weigh-in day functions as a cheat day. I get the concept. I have a lovely, skinny friend who really works at staying thin, and she and her mother have shared the concept of the cheat day since D was little. (D thinks a 600 calorie breakfast is ENORMOUS. Not for me it's not.) Anyway, I understand the concept of a cheat day, but who would I be cheating? Me, right? So why do that? My concept, though, is based on the theory that it's not about the food. It's about need. I have some ideas about the need, but it could be food or anything else that's the object of the need. Mine's food. For other people it's Sailor Jerry's rum. I don't want to cheat myself. I've been doing that my whole life.