NSV

Confession.  I gained a pound over Thanksgiving.  Damn.

Ok, here’s the thing.  I don’t really think I did, despite what the scale says.  And even if I did, I don’t think it’s fat.  I have been working out again, somewhat regularly.  I’ve been tracking consistently.  Yes, I went over a bit last week, but by about 500 calories, not 3500.

So where’d that pound come from?  Who the hell knows?  As a practical matter, I don’t think you can draw any conclusions at the margin.  What I know is that a few weeks ago, I was tired of weighing the same (give or take) for more than a month.  That was three (or four) pounds ago.  The trend is down.  This is good.

Some other indicators are good, too.  My watch is starting to roll around my wrist, meaning the band is too big.  Almost too big.  Heh.  I’ve already tightened it one notch.  Another notch is a win.  Also, the skin.  I have some loose skin. 

Now, I lost about 120 pounds when I was in college.  I had a fair amount of loose skin back then.  Before I got a chance to have it removed, I gained weight.  I was stupid back then.  I thought, cool, I’m cured.  I was not cured.  And I put back on about 180 pounds.  I can’t believe it, either.  I’m own 80, and I want to get back down to where I was.

Back to the skin.  When I spread my arms out, you can see the skin hanging down.  Near my elbows, it actually wrinkles.  The skin above my belly button is all wrinkly, too.  Sound gross?  Maybe.  But I’m psyched.  This is progress.  The skin is not being pulled tight by fat.  It’s being pulled down by gravity.  So awesome.

My wife tells me that once I get to where I want to be and stay there for a while (six months, a year), she’s ok with my getting surgery.  And I want it.  She pointed out that the scars will be pretty serious.  She’s right.  I’ve seen pictures of people who have had tummy tucks.  The scarring is significant.  She pointed out that I won’t be comfortable at the beach.  Also true.  But I have never in my life been comfortable at a beach.  No loss there.  (I’m fascinated by guys who are ok with taking off their shirts and women who can run around in tiny bikinis.  I wonder what that would be like.  I’ll never know.)  I actually fear surgery, but I’m not ruling it out.  It would be really cool to be actually thin.

So, thinner wrists, loose skin.  They trump the one pound up.  I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing. 

Semantics?

I'm going to write a word.  You say the next thing you think of.  Ready?

Weight loss.

Did you think, "Journey?"  I bet you did.  "Weight loss journey" is a cliche.  I just googled it and got 456,000 results in .31 seconds.  (This is not an ad for Google.)  I HATE the word journey.  Hate it.

Because journeys end.  Are you changing your life or not?  If it's a journey, what do you do when you get there?  If you're like me, twice before, you say, "Hey, I'm cured," and then you get fat again.  I'm not going to do that again.  And by refusing to call this Skip's Journey, I'm not buying into the finality of weight loss.

The War on Fat is kind of like the War on Terror (don't get me started)--it will go on every day until, well, until it doesn't.  The War on Fat is relentless.  It is a series of decisions, made daily, maybe by the hundreds, until you're gone.  Or until you've given up.

I think people call it a journey because being a fat person is so defining.  And it does define you.  People view fat people a certain way.  It also creates limitations.  I can't go on a zipline tour.  I'm pretty sure I'm too fat for a Segway.  I have seen blog postings about people who were too fat to wipe themselves (happily, not me).  There are travel issues--at a minimum the seat belt extender (which I no longer need, happily).  True story--I got bumped from an exit row because the rule was that if you need an extender, you can't sit there.  That was both annoying and humiliating.  So I think people call it a journey because it's a life change that they can't really imagine until they get there.  It's like your first trip to Europe.  You can read everything, talk to people, look at pretty pictures, but it's not like being there.  And then you go home.

I know what it's like to be thin in America.  It's easier to shop for clothes, to commute, to travel, to swim, to bike, to get lucky (and who doesn't want to get lucky?).  But until you're a thin person, you have no idea what it's really like. Even so, I know that I want to get there, and I don't want to go "home" afterward.

I was kind of thin a long time ago.  I don't remember much.  I remember girls checking me out.  I remember taking up less space on a couch than I had expected to.  I remember, in part, the way I no longer stood out--the anonymity.  (It's a good thing.)  I remember buying jeans at the Gap (a regular store in the mall!).  I also remember I never felt like a thin person.  I assume this feeling will be with me for the rest of my life, too.

I'm going to keep tracking my food.  I'm going to keep making good choices.  I'm going to keep eating only when I'm actually hungry.  I'm going to keep working out.  I might even lose the next 100 pounds.  But it's not a journey.  It's my life.

Love is the answer

I've weighed the same now since, I think August.  When I say the same, I mean within two or three pounds either side of the same weight.  I guess I'm in maintenance.  I don't know why, but what the hell.  As long as I'm not gaining, and I'm not, I can live with it.  It's frustrating, though, having some clothes that I'm almost into.  But they're not going anywhere, and neither am I.

What's strange, though, is that I'm finally accustomed how I look at this weight, approximately 35 pounds down from last April.  For a very long time, I would catch my reflection in a mirror or window and be surprised.  That's me!  Looking good!  After this long, though, I'm used to it.  Now I just know that's me.  And the old habit of self-critique is trying to come back.  That's you.  Fat.  Gross.  You suck.

I am working hard to keep that voice at bay.  But I'm also trying to observe it.  It seems to me that that voice is always going to be there trying to be heard.  If I woke up tomorrow 100 pounds lighter--where I'd like to be--I think the voice would still be there to find fault.

I think this is going to be the key to long-term maintenance:  keep that voice at bay.  And this is because--I've said it before--weight is not about the food.  It's about feeling like shit and using food to make it better.  Some people drink, some use drugs, some shop.  So the key at any weight is to keep that evil voice down.

Where does the voice come from?  No idea.  I suppose it could be early messages one gets from parents, siblings, kids at school--whatever.  The thing to remember is that it's bullshit.  I'm amazing.  Seriously.  If I weren't me, if I were my friend, I would think I'm amazing.  I don't usually think I'm amazing in real life.  I don't usually think I'm all that special.  But I have a lot of really cool, smart, good friends, and I figure I must be worth something, or they wouldn't like me.  Some days, that's all I have.  Anyway, my point is, if I'm amazing, I'm worth loving and taking care of.  I want to try to take care of myself the way I would (and do) take care of a friend who needs help.

Eating a lot is not taking care of myself.

I say all this having come off a big eating day.  I did not track.  And I think that in the end, it was not insane.  If I ate more than 3500 calories, that would surprise me.  (I'm supposed to be around 2700 to lose.)  But it felt like a big day.  One day will not break me.  But I'm not going to do that a lot.  In fact, I haven't done that more than a couple of times since April.  I'm ok.

The back is feeling better, but I really want to get the ok to go back to the gym.  I'm surprised at how much I miss it.

Long post, but the point is, if you want to break an addiction cycle, the first step is to appreciate and love and take care of yourself.  Love is not in a bowl of ice cream, a cookie, or a giant steak.  Love is in you.  If you can't see it, try to see yourself through your friends' eyes.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~ the Buddha

Read more about this concept here.
http://theantijared.com/2010/10/do-i-disgust-you-2.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheAnti-jared+%28The+Anti-Jared%29 

Addendum:  Read more here, too:  http://msbitchcakes.blogspot.com/2010/10/emotional-effects-of-reaching-goal.html.
N.B.  I added up everything from yesterday.  I tried to overestimate.  I still came in under 2700.  I think my perspective on what a lot of food is has changed.