A 45-year-old fat man trying to find his inner skinny dude.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Love is the answer

I've weighed the same now since, I think August.  When I say the same, I mean within two or three pounds either side of the same weight.  I guess I'm in maintenance.  I don't know why, but what the hell.  As long as I'm not gaining, and I'm not, I can live with it.  It's frustrating, though, having some clothes that I'm almost into.  But they're not going anywhere, and neither am I.

What's strange, though, is that I'm finally accustomed how I look at this weight, approximately 35 pounds down from last April.  For a very long time, I would catch my reflection in a mirror or window and be surprised.  That's me!  Looking good!  After this long, though, I'm used to it.  Now I just know that's me.  And the old habit of self-critique is trying to come back.  That's you.  Fat.  Gross.  You suck.

I am working hard to keep that voice at bay.  But I'm also trying to observe it.  It seems to me that that voice is always going to be there trying to be heard.  If I woke up tomorrow 100 pounds lighter--where I'd like to be--I think the voice would still be there to find fault.

I think this is going to be the key to long-term maintenance:  keep that voice at bay.  And this is because--I've said it before--weight is not about the food.  It's about feeling like shit and using food to make it better.  Some people drink, some use drugs, some shop.  So the key at any weight is to keep that evil voice down.

Where does the voice come from?  No idea.  I suppose it could be early messages one gets from parents, siblings, kids at school--whatever.  The thing to remember is that it's bullshit.  I'm amazing.  Seriously.  If I weren't me, if I were my friend, I would think I'm amazing.  I don't usually think I'm amazing in real life.  I don't usually think I'm all that special.  But I have a lot of really cool, smart, good friends, and I figure I must be worth something, or they wouldn't like me.  Some days, that's all I have.  Anyway, my point is, if I'm amazing, I'm worth loving and taking care of.  I want to try to take care of myself the way I would (and do) take care of a friend who needs help.

Eating a lot is not taking care of myself.

I say all this having come off a big eating day.  I did not track.  And I think that in the end, it was not insane.  If I ate more than 3500 calories, that would surprise me.  (I'm supposed to be around 2700 to lose.)  But it felt like a big day.  One day will not break me.  But I'm not going to do that a lot.  In fact, I haven't done that more than a couple of times since April.  I'm ok.

The back is feeling better, but I really want to get the ok to go back to the gym.  I'm surprised at how much I miss it.

Long post, but the point is, if you want to break an addiction cycle, the first step is to appreciate and love and take care of yourself.  Love is not in a bowl of ice cream, a cookie, or a giant steak.  Love is in you.  If you can't see it, try to see yourself through your friends' eyes.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~ the Buddha

Read more about this concept here.

Addendum:  Read more here, too:  http://msbitchcakes.blogspot.com/2010/10/emotional-effects-of-reaching-goal.html.
N.B.  I added up everything from yesterday.  I tried to overestimate.  I still came in under 2700.  I think my perspective on what a lot of food is has changed.


  1. Skip, you ARE amazing. I am totally in love with you. You're absolutely right when you say that your cool, smart friends wouldn't like you if you didn't have something going on. That's one of the few things that makes me appreciate myself, is realizing that someone as wonderful as my husband wouldn't be married to a loser-- I must have SOMETHING going for me! Obviously you do too.

  2. You are very kind. I'm doing my best. I'm sure, too, that you're pretty cool.