Well, shit.

So, over the last several months, I haven't been to the gym much.  New babies, etc., you know the deal.

My clothes have been feeling kind of snug lately, but I was able to convince myself that it was lack of muscle tone, not weight gain, that was making everything hang differently.  For a while, the scale backed me up.  I hadn't gained.

But today, the scale betrayed me.  Which is to say, it paid me back for ignoring it and for the mindless eating I have engaged in lately.  I'm a big guy, and I can eat a lot.  My BMR is high.  Apparently, however, I've exceeded it quite a bit lately.

You can slack in certain areas and never be found out.  If you take a longish lunch, no one may notice.  Hell, if you cheat on your taxes, you might be just fine.

But you can't fool the scale.  Or your waistband. 

The biggest difference for me lately is that I have been eating when not hungry.  To the normal folk out there in the world--the ones who don't do that--eating when not hungry makes no sense.  But I don't smoke, drink to excess, or do drugs.  So I eat, because I haven't yet figured out how to manage my anxiety. 

I know this is it.  I'm working on the learning part.  And now, I'm recommitted to listening to my body.  To remembering that food is fuel (and that that's all it is).

Love is the answer

I've weighed the same now since, I think August.  When I say the same, I mean within two or three pounds either side of the same weight.  I guess I'm in maintenance.  I don't know why, but what the hell.  As long as I'm not gaining, and I'm not, I can live with it.  It's frustrating, though, having some clothes that I'm almost into.  But they're not going anywhere, and neither am I.

What's strange, though, is that I'm finally accustomed how I look at this weight, approximately 35 pounds down from last April.  For a very long time, I would catch my reflection in a mirror or window and be surprised.  That's me!  Looking good!  After this long, though, I'm used to it.  Now I just know that's me.  And the old habit of self-critique is trying to come back.  That's you.  Fat.  Gross.  You suck.

I am working hard to keep that voice at bay.  But I'm also trying to observe it.  It seems to me that that voice is always going to be there trying to be heard.  If I woke up tomorrow 100 pounds lighter--where I'd like to be--I think the voice would still be there to find fault.

I think this is going to be the key to long-term maintenance:  keep that voice at bay.  And this is because--I've said it before--weight is not about the food.  It's about feeling like shit and using food to make it better.  Some people drink, some use drugs, some shop.  So the key at any weight is to keep that evil voice down.

Where does the voice come from?  No idea.  I suppose it could be early messages one gets from parents, siblings, kids at school--whatever.  The thing to remember is that it's bullshit.  I'm amazing.  Seriously.  If I weren't me, if I were my friend, I would think I'm amazing.  I don't usually think I'm amazing in real life.  I don't usually think I'm all that special.  But I have a lot of really cool, smart, good friends, and I figure I must be worth something, or they wouldn't like me.  Some days, that's all I have.  Anyway, my point is, if I'm amazing, I'm worth loving and taking care of.  I want to try to take care of myself the way I would (and do) take care of a friend who needs help.

Eating a lot is not taking care of myself.

I say all this having come off a big eating day.  I did not track.  And I think that in the end, it was not insane.  If I ate more than 3500 calories, that would surprise me.  (I'm supposed to be around 2700 to lose.)  But it felt like a big day.  One day will not break me.  But I'm not going to do that a lot.  In fact, I haven't done that more than a couple of times since April.  I'm ok.

The back is feeling better, but I really want to get the ok to go back to the gym.  I'm surprised at how much I miss it.

Long post, but the point is, if you want to break an addiction cycle, the first step is to appreciate and love and take care of yourself.  Love is not in a bowl of ice cream, a cookie, or a giant steak.  Love is in you.  If you can't see it, try to see yourself through your friends' eyes.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~ the Buddha

Read more about this concept here.
http://theantijared.com/2010/10/do-i-disgust-you-2.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheAnti-jared+%28The+Anti-Jared%29 

Addendum:  Read more here, too:  http://msbitchcakes.blogspot.com/2010/10/emotional-effects-of-reaching-goal.html.
N.B.  I added up everything from yesterday.  I tried to overestimate.  I still came in under 2700.  I think my perspective on what a lot of food is has changed.

Flat?

I'm still pretty flat, loss-wise.  But I put on a suit this morning (going to court), and I realized that the pants really are too big.  They need to be taken in.  The win?  I've had them taken in once already.

Don't ask me how or why, but even though my weight is the same (maintenance!), I'm shrinking a bit. Honestly, I'm really stumped as to how this works.  My weight is virtually the same as it was a month ago, but I am smaller.  I have not been tracking measurements,  but I may start.

I don't wish I were back to my old habits.  In fact, I find it hard to take a breather.  A few weeks ago, I was trying to eat more, but I couldn't make myself eat crap.  Don't laugh, but I think I had a brief glimpse at how anorexics view food.  (I'm not even close, but it was interesting.)  This is not to say that I don't eat some processed foods.  I do.  But I try to stick with stuff that is real food, not processed, not overly manipulated.  (I mean, seriously, bread is processed, but it's a pretty simple food.  Same with cheese, though my cheese intake is pretty limited.)

I guess the upshot is, I'm learning to live with the slow pace of the loss.  It seems possible that my body is catching up.  I'm ok.  What the hell.