Injuries

I think 2010 will go down as the year of the injuries for me.  In March, I had posterior tibial tendonitis, due, in part, to my seriously flat feet.  Then a month ago it was the back problem.  Multi-level degenerative disc disease.  Runs in the family.

I'm sure the weight doesn't help, but such is life.  I have a (very) thin buddy who has had disc trouble for a couple of years.  Weight isn't the only variable.

It's hard not to get discouraged.  In fact, I went to the gym today for the first time in three weeks.  I have missed it, but I didn't really realize how much or in what way.  Fundamentally, it felt good to move.  I did 15 minutes on the elliptical (PT's orders) and then I did a round of core exercises.  It was just really nice to be there and do that, even for a short time.  I'll do something similar tomorrow.

I also came up with a schedule for where I'd like to be:


I started (again) April 1, 2010 at 358 (I'd been lower and had put on some pounds).  I'm right at 320 now.

Here's where and when I'd like to be.

By April 1, 2011—300.

By October 1, 2011—270

By April 1, 2012—250

By October 1, 2012—220.

By April 1, 2012—200.

That feels very ambitious.  It also feels slow.  I want to wear cool clothes now.  NOW.  I have some already that I'm close to getting into.  In a year and a half, I think I'll be able to wear anything I want.  And yes, I'm willing to have surgery to remove excess skin.

I think one of the reasons people get impatient is because you're sick of being fat now, but it takes time to lose.  It's discouraging.  It is.  But I feel better eating the way I'm eating than the way I used to (which wasn't terrible, but was too much).  The other day, I wanted a snack about 4pm and went down to the lobby of my building.  I was going to get a scone from Starbuck's, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I got a turkey sandwich from a store next door.  Saved some calories and a lot of fat.  I could have done the scone.  I had the "budget" for it.  But there are better choices.  I made one.  It might be a habit.  An actual good habit--taking care of myself.  Shocking.

It will take a while.  At least a year and a half.  But what else am I gonna do?  Order pizza?

Kids

I think I've touched on this before.  My wife and I (first anniversary is today!) are planning on having a kid.  I worry about lots of things related to this kid, who is really just an idea of a kid right now.  I worry about my weight and the kid's weight.  Kids are mean to fat kids.  Kids are mean to each other about their parents, too.

Once, when I was in 7th grade and was waiting for the school bell to ring so I could go to class, a couple of older guys had a newspaper and were holding up the grocery ads to me.  "Look!  Meat!  Mmmm!"  That kind of thing.  How do I protect the kid from people like that?  All I can think to do is help the kid not be a fat kid.  That starts with me.

So here's the good news.  I was down 1.4 today.  I'm just shy of 10% since April.  I really haven't done anything differently--except try to give myself a break.  The meeting today was about having a buddy, about being accountable.  Someone said she can't do that--the guilt is too great if she has to worry about someone other than herself.  I feel that way, too.  I'm a critical enough voice in my life that I don't need to have someone else on my ass, even in the name of support.

Our meeting leader wasn't here today (which is weird, and I assume something bad is going on with her, which is too bad if true).  The sub (who is not yet a leader) went around the room asking about everyone's history with weight loss, Weight Watchers, etc.  The interesting thing was how many people had been, lost weight, quit, and then come back.  Almost everyone in the room, in fact (myself included).  Two people talked about losing the weight and thinking, "I'm cured.  I can eat whatever I want not."

Boy, do I identify with that.  But now, I've learned.  I'm just like any addict.  My thing is food.  The downside is, I can't just quit.  Such is life.  So I'm going to pay attention to what I eat for life.  "For life" is daunting.  In fact, I'm not sure I could actually commit to that.  But I can commit to it for today.  Tomorrow, I'll do it again.  I've been doing it since April.  It's habit. 

Here's the funny thing.  Mostly I eat what I want.  I find that I feel better eating good food--too much fat/oil/crap makes me feel gross.  Today we're going to have wedding cake, but I know that if I eat too much of it, I will feel weird.  So I'll be careful.  In fact, today will be a tough eating day, so I'm going to the gym for sure.  This is all good.

Here's when it gets hard

Yesterday's post wasn't all that interesting.  What's really going on with me is that after a pretty decent summer of losing weight and shrinking, I'm pretty pleased with what 30 or 35 pounds will get you.  Smaller clothes, easier movement, etc.  (I haven't focused too much on health aspects.  The truth is, my numbers have always been pretty good--cholesterol runs low in my family, and despite a family history of diabetes, my numbers there have always been good (knocking wood now)).  But about six weeks ago, I slowed way down.

I try not to focus on the scale.  The scale is one measure.  But I have clothes in the closet I want to get back into, and there are clothes out in the world that I want to buy!  There are also things I'd like to try that I can't do now.  I'm too heavy for a Segway (stay away from cliffs!).  I'm too heavy for a zipline tour of Kauai.  I'd like to think about actually running for fun (I can't believe I just wrote that).  Stuff like that.

But the scale isn't moving much these days.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not gaining.  That's pretty much a win in my view, at least historically.  But still.  I'm doing everything right.  I'm eating pretty clean, with the occasion Pop Chips and stuff.  I'm making sure to have snacks, both to keep the metabolism going and to prevent myself from getting too hungry.  I'm even eating a little more than before because of the BMR calculus (and not gaining!).  I could hit the gym more, I know, but I don't think that's the issue.  I think I'm at a plateau.

My doctor told me a couple of months ago that 25 pounds is a pretty significant weight loss.  It probably seems like it to here.  She's thin.  But when you have 100 to lose (and I've lost 80 already), 25 seems less like a milestone and more like a good couple of weeks' work.

It's not a race.  I know.  In fact, even though I'm lamenting the situation, I'm not going to do anything different.  I don't feel like eating a giant pizza or anything.  I get tired of tracking when I'm flat, but I'm a little too paranoid not to do it. 

I think at this point, all there is to do is weight.  It makes sense that if you lose 10% of your body weight (and I'm very close--within a pound) that your body might want to take a moment and see where it is.  But still.  I have things to do and clothes to buy.

Big weekend

Have you ever noticed that it's hard to eat good food on the road?  I just had a long weekend in the Bay Area, and I found it ridiculously easy to get a scone or cheese danish, but not so easy to get vegetables.  Even so, I had some good things happen. 

One is that I realized I'm not willing to eat crappy or stale food just because I'm a little hungry.  One is that I found walking around San Francisco pretty easy.  Another thing I noticed is that I can actually eat pretty normally for short periods without tracking.  Don't get me wrong--I am tracking this week.  But it gave me a glimpse of hope--that I'll be able to stay disciplined without being too weird.  Sometimes.

Mostly, I found that I wasn't going through the city entirely ruled by food.  I had a couple of desserts, and I had the most amazing strawberry croissant at a place in Berkeley.   I don't have to have such things,  but I can have them from time to time.  It's nice to know.

We'll see how the weigh-in goes on Sunday.  Didn't make it in SF (and that's ok, too). 

What the hell else am I doing?

I have really really wanted to eat today. I decided I'm bored and maybe a little depressed. I don't have much to be depressed about, but that isn't, in my experience, relevant to feeling that way. Wait. That's not right. What I mean is that you can be depressed whether things are going well or not. So that's where I was today, I think. I felt empty of something and wanted to be filled up.

The good news is that I'm within my points for the day, and it's after 9pm. I'll be going to bed soon, so I'm all set.

I don't think I'll be down this week, or at least not down as much as I want. My average so far is 1.4 pounds a week, which is about 73 pounds a year. I'm impatient. I want it to happen today. And yes, I know it didn't come on in a day. Don't care.

I read today that Drew Carey is down 80 pounds, that he lost it because he was tired of being fat. Me too. But he did it by eating no carbs and working out. I just don't know how the loss is sustainable if he plans on going back to eating everything. I'm not talking about the science of it. I'm talking about knowing how to eat everything. That's what people tend to do. When they avoid certain types of foods for a diet, they lose, and then they fold the formerly forbidden foods back in, and gain. I think you have to learn how to eat everything, learn about portion control, moderation, eating when you're hungry. That food is fuel. But I'm impressed with the 80 and I hope he can keep it off.

Gaining make me feel like a failure. I've been thinking about the time, years ago, when my doctor weighed me and I was about 300 pounds. I was up about 40 from my (first) wedding. It had taken me four or five years to get there, but it was disappointed. Still, I didn't do anything to change things. I can't remember why, except that I think I focused on having no time to go to the gym instead of figuring out the food. The food is key.

Anyway, now I'm within 30 pounds of 300. I'm really hopeful that I'll be there in the next 12 to 14 weeks. Even if I don't get there that fast, I'm going to stick with the program. What the hell else am I doing?