A 45-year-old fat man trying to find his inner skinny dude.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

What the hell else am I doing?

I have really really wanted to eat today. I decided I'm bored and maybe a little depressed. I don't have much to be depressed about, but that isn't, in my experience, relevant to feeling that way. Wait. That's not right. What I mean is that you can be depressed whether things are going well or not. So that's where I was today, I think. I felt empty of something and wanted to be filled up.

The good news is that I'm within my points for the day, and it's after 9pm. I'll be going to bed soon, so I'm all set.

I don't think I'll be down this week, or at least not down as much as I want. My average so far is 1.4 pounds a week, which is about 73 pounds a year. I'm impatient. I want it to happen today. And yes, I know it didn't come on in a day. Don't care.

I read today that Drew Carey is down 80 pounds, that he lost it because he was tired of being fat. Me too. But he did it by eating no carbs and working out. I just don't know how the loss is sustainable if he plans on going back to eating everything. I'm not talking about the science of it. I'm talking about knowing how to eat everything. That's what people tend to do. When they avoid certain types of foods for a diet, they lose, and then they fold the formerly forbidden foods back in, and gain. I think you have to learn how to eat everything, learn about portion control, moderation, eating when you're hungry. That food is fuel. But I'm impressed with the 80 and I hope he can keep it off.

Gaining make me feel like a failure. I've been thinking about the time, years ago, when my doctor weighed me and I was about 300 pounds. I was up about 40 from my (first) wedding. It had taken me four or five years to get there, but it was disappointed. Still, I didn't do anything to change things. I can't remember why, except that I think I focused on having no time to go to the gym instead of figuring out the food. The food is key.

Anyway, now I'm within 30 pounds of 300. I'm really hopeful that I'll be there in the next 12 to 14 weeks. Even if I don't get there that fast, I'm going to stick with the program. What the hell else am I doing?

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