You'd think on a holiday weekend, I'd manage to work out all three days. I did one day, and I found myself too busy or too tired (falling-asleep tired, not unmotivated) to do it. Well, maybe a little unmotivated. I try to observe, and I have realized that my mood has a lot to do with whether I feel compelled to work out. Why is it a shock? Bad mood usually equals bad eating for me. Bad moon generally means no workout. I think it's part of internalizing bad things, not feeling worthy of taking care of myself.
The thing I try to remember is that no one else is going to do it for me.
Even when I learned over the weekend that a friend of mine died Saturday at age 48, I didn't work out. Rather, I mulled the event over in shock. A lot. (I've also got troubles with my brother. This didn't help things.) But other than the above, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. The weekend is over, and I've got this week to work with.
I know I feel better when I work out, both mentally and physically. Leaving the house is the hard part. The rest is easy. I've probably said that before.
Showing posts with label coping strategies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coping strategies. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Some progress
I'm down a pound or two this week. I'm not specific, because it's kind of hard to put a number on it, since my weight fluctuates a little. But down is down, and that's a win.
Rough weekend, though, so I'm having some Thin Mints. True story--a Girl Scout came to my door three weeks ago and tried to sell me some cookies. I said, "No, I can't. I'm too fat." As I shut the door, I saw the look on her mom's face--mystification. My wife was similarly stunned.
A week later I was at the grocery store and some Girl Scouts were set up on a table. I caved. I felt bad for the first one, and I thought buying these would atone. The Thin Mints have been in my trunk for a week. But I'm having a weak moment, so I'm eating some. I'm not even worried about it, really. I've been going to the gym regularly (4 times this week!), and this doesn't feel like the wheels are coming off.
Other than that, not much. I'm in that stage where watching what I eat all the time--being relentless--feels like a burden. I'm not starving or anything. It's just that keeping track of everything takes some discipline. I can't do it the rest of my life. But I can do it today, and I can do it tomorrow. With luck, I can do it for about 60 or 70 pounds more. Then I'll see where I am.
Rough weekend, though, so I'm having some Thin Mints. True story--a Girl Scout came to my door three weeks ago and tried to sell me some cookies. I said, "No, I can't. I'm too fat." As I shut the door, I saw the look on her mom's face--mystification. My wife was similarly stunned.
A week later I was at the grocery store and some Girl Scouts were set up on a table. I caved. I felt bad for the first one, and I thought buying these would atone. The Thin Mints have been in my trunk for a week. But I'm having a weak moment, so I'm eating some. I'm not even worried about it, really. I've been going to the gym regularly (4 times this week!), and this doesn't feel like the wheels are coming off.
Other than that, not much. I'm in that stage where watching what I eat all the time--being relentless--feels like a burden. I'm not starving or anything. It's just that keeping track of everything takes some discipline. I can't do it the rest of my life. But I can do it today, and I can do it tomorrow. With luck, I can do it for about 60 or 70 pounds more. Then I'll see where I am.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Can't Help It
I know I haven't written much lately, and if you're waiting to read this blog, I apologize. There's been a lot going on.
First, in the last month, I have gone to the hospital every day because my wife or kids or all three have been there. The kids are still there and will be for a few weeks. Nothing is wrong with them except that they are young. Once they learn to eat and breathe at the same time, they'll come home.
This is the first time in a year that I've really fallen off the weightloss wagon. Despite the fact that the hospital is only ten minutes from my house, I have felt serious time pressure, and I've needed to rely on convenience foods. Specifically doughnut. There are something like ten doughnut shops between my house and the hospital. I feel as if the proprietors all know me. In fact, one gave me an extra doughnut the other day because I've been such a good customer. That was the bump I needed, I think. I mean, I could have been going to the Subway next door. Right? Right? Do I hear an amen?
Who knew doughnuts were a trigger food for me? Sometimes people bring them to the office, and I have been quite good at ignoring them. Well, not ignoring them. I look at them, and then I decide I don't want them. It's food porn.
I turned 45 yesterday. I would like to lose another 40-50 pounds this year (he says, breakfasting on birthday cake). I owe it to myself and to my new babies, who have no visible means of support. (Don't they come with a dowry? Oh wait--) I have put on 3-4 pounds in the last month. It's the stress. The eating of feelings. I think, however, I'm over it, for a while anyway. Another year would be good. All told, it's not horrible, and I am smaller than I was a year ago at this time. I don't even notice the 3-4 pounds except on the scale. But the trend is not what I want.
I think I'm rambling now. Here's a nice picture.
First, in the last month, I have gone to the hospital every day because my wife or kids or all three have been there. The kids are still there and will be for a few weeks. Nothing is wrong with them except that they are young. Once they learn to eat and breathe at the same time, they'll come home.
This is the first time in a year that I've really fallen off the weightloss wagon. Despite the fact that the hospital is only ten minutes from my house, I have felt serious time pressure, and I've needed to rely on convenience foods. Specifically doughnut. There are something like ten doughnut shops between my house and the hospital. I feel as if the proprietors all know me. In fact, one gave me an extra doughnut the other day because I've been such a good customer. That was the bump I needed, I think. I mean, I could have been going to the Subway next door. Right? Right? Do I hear an amen?
Who knew doughnuts were a trigger food for me? Sometimes people bring them to the office, and I have been quite good at ignoring them. Well, not ignoring them. I look at them, and then I decide I don't want them. It's food porn.
I turned 45 yesterday. I would like to lose another 40-50 pounds this year (he says, breakfasting on birthday cake). I owe it to myself and to my new babies, who have no visible means of support. (Don't they come with a dowry? Oh wait--) I have put on 3-4 pounds in the last month. It's the stress. The eating of feelings. I think, however, I'm over it, for a while anyway. Another year would be good. All told, it's not horrible, and I am smaller than I was a year ago at this time. I don't even notice the 3-4 pounds except on the scale. But the trend is not what I want.
I think I'm rambling now. Here's a nice picture.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Binge
I have been reading some blog postings about the binge. For example:
http://www.whoatemyblog.com/2011/02/preventing-binging.html
and
http://bodybypizza.com/2011/02/million-dollar-question/
The second one is particular painful, and there's a follow-up, too, which is also painful.
I do not binge. (Knocking wood right now.) From what I can tell, I'm the guy who gets lax, and thinks, eh, one more X won't matter. One more yogurt, one more piece of chicken, whatever. That becomes "one candy bar won't hurt." And then, "one cinnamon roll won't hurt." And then you put them all together and you have a symphony. Or is if a fugue?
But even when I do not binge, I do feel the compulsion to eat a lot. To EAT. I feel that especially when I'm tired or upset. Lately, these conditions have felt pretty normal to me. What I try to do when that happens is first to check in and decide if I'm actually hungry. This is easy and takes no time. Sometimes it even curbs the urge to eat. Once in a while, anyway. But not most of the time.
When I have the urge to EAT, I try to remember that being overfull is not comfortable. Same result as above. Sometimes it works, mostly it does not. Sometimes I load up on filling but low-cal stuff. I can eat dill pickles with the best of them. Maybe a big salad. Sometimes if I get very full, I don't feel like eating anymore.
Luckily, I have never eaten an entire jar of peanut butter. A bag of cheddar popcorn is a different story. I can definitely eat an entire pizza (see my earlier entry below). Hell, eating an entire pizza doesn't even seem all that strange to me.
Years ago, my doctor (whom I really liked), told me she thought it was tough trying to get in 2000 calories every day. I was very surprised. I could (and can) get that in by the end of lunch and not be hugely full. But I'm getting used to the idea of not being stuffed. I read that the difference between Americans and Europeans is that Americans eat until they are full, whereas Europeans eat until they are no longer hungry. This is an important difference.
I see all these ads for diet products that say Lose Weight Without Feeling Hungry. a) I have been doing that. b) What's wrong with being hungry? Being hungry makes me feel as though I'm kind of lean, that I'm not just turning myself into a sausage casing, pushing more and more food down my gullet. If you eat enough real food (potatoes not potato chips, chicken not chicken nuggets, etc.), you will probably never be overly hungry. Plus, even if you are, unless you are destitute or not living in the Western world, you have ready access to some kind of food.
So what is with the binge? It's not about hunger, not physical hunger, anyway. It's about need. I think it's about habit. Eating has in the past been a comfort. Not eating (meaning getting thinner, being healthier) is a change that puts you out of your comfort zone. That in itself is a stressor. Sure, there are great things about losing weight--new clothes, taking up less space, being able to do more, move better, etc. But people check you out, too (I swear--even me). This is cool, but it also means you are not invisible anymore.
I knew a woman who lost 130 pounds and then competed for Miss Alabama. She told me stories about guys who were assholes to her when she was fat hitting on her when she was thin. Some didn't even know who she was. (She turned them down, which I like.)
The point is, when you change your body, you are changing your life. People will view you differently when you're thin than when you're fat. One of those people is you. That is freaking uncomfortable. What's the best way to get comfortable? You have a choice, I guess. Ride it out (the one I'm hoping for). Or get fat again. Bingeing will do that for you. (So will "just one" or "just one more" of anything, over time.) The bingeing is, I think, in part an old habit, and in part a psychological pushback. It's not you being kind to yourself. It's you trying to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.
It won't work, not if you hated being fat enough to start getting thin.
http://www.whoatemyblog.com/2011/02/preventing-binging.html
and
http://bodybypizza.com/2011/02/million-dollar-question/
The second one is particular painful, and there's a follow-up, too, which is also painful.
I do not binge. (Knocking wood right now.) From what I can tell, I'm the guy who gets lax, and thinks, eh, one more X won't matter. One more yogurt, one more piece of chicken, whatever. That becomes "one candy bar won't hurt." And then, "one cinnamon roll won't hurt." And then you put them all together and you have a symphony. Or is if a fugue?
But even when I do not binge, I do feel the compulsion to eat a lot. To EAT. I feel that especially when I'm tired or upset. Lately, these conditions have felt pretty normal to me. What I try to do when that happens is first to check in and decide if I'm actually hungry. This is easy and takes no time. Sometimes it even curbs the urge to eat. Once in a while, anyway. But not most of the time.
When I have the urge to EAT, I try to remember that being overfull is not comfortable. Same result as above. Sometimes it works, mostly it does not. Sometimes I load up on filling but low-cal stuff. I can eat dill pickles with the best of them. Maybe a big salad. Sometimes if I get very full, I don't feel like eating anymore.
Luckily, I have never eaten an entire jar of peanut butter. A bag of cheddar popcorn is a different story. I can definitely eat an entire pizza (see my earlier entry below). Hell, eating an entire pizza doesn't even seem all that strange to me.
Years ago, my doctor (whom I really liked), told me she thought it was tough trying to get in 2000 calories every day. I was very surprised. I could (and can) get that in by the end of lunch and not be hugely full. But I'm getting used to the idea of not being stuffed. I read that the difference between Americans and Europeans is that Americans eat until they are full, whereas Europeans eat until they are no longer hungry. This is an important difference.
I see all these ads for diet products that say Lose Weight Without Feeling Hungry. a) I have been doing that. b) What's wrong with being hungry? Being hungry makes me feel as though I'm kind of lean, that I'm not just turning myself into a sausage casing, pushing more and more food down my gullet. If you eat enough real food (potatoes not potato chips, chicken not chicken nuggets, etc.), you will probably never be overly hungry. Plus, even if you are, unless you are destitute or not living in the Western world, you have ready access to some kind of food.
So what is with the binge? It's not about hunger, not physical hunger, anyway. It's about need. I think it's about habit. Eating has in the past been a comfort. Not eating (meaning getting thinner, being healthier) is a change that puts you out of your comfort zone. That in itself is a stressor. Sure, there are great things about losing weight--new clothes, taking up less space, being able to do more, move better, etc. But people check you out, too (I swear--even me). This is cool, but it also means you are not invisible anymore.
I knew a woman who lost 130 pounds and then competed for Miss Alabama. She told me stories about guys who were assholes to her when she was fat hitting on her when she was thin. Some didn't even know who she was. (She turned them down, which I like.)
The point is, when you change your body, you are changing your life. People will view you differently when you're thin than when you're fat. One of those people is you. That is freaking uncomfortable. What's the best way to get comfortable? You have a choice, I guess. Ride it out (the one I'm hoping for). Or get fat again. Bingeing will do that for you. (So will "just one" or "just one more" of anything, over time.) The bingeing is, I think, in part an old habit, and in part a psychological pushback. It's not you being kind to yourself. It's you trying to be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.
It won't work, not if you hated being fat enough to start getting thin.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Been awhile
There's a lot going on at my house. I've written about my dog, and that continues to be a drag. He gets to eat anything he wants, and the other night he ate ten chicken McNuggets. That was good. But he wouldn't eat any last night. I don't know if it's the illness or the meds, but he doesn't want to eat. I think he knows he's sick. At least, he knows he feels crappy.
The other thing that's going on--now it can be told--my lovely wife is pregnant. With twins. And let me tell you, she has been sicker than you can imagine for weeks. She can't keep much down, but she needs the calories because of the kiddos, so she's eating full fat/full calorie versions of everything--lots of ice cream, mac and cheese, cookies, peanut butter, pop tarts. Everything. Lots of carbs, too. In short, the kind of diet that got me where I am. She has lost five pounds. Puking will do that. Morning sickness for her is about 23 hours a day. She is on an anti nausea drug that they give to chemo patients.
What this all means is that I do just about everything around the house--laundry, meals (she can't even go into the kitchen without retching), etc. On the plus side, my dog and my wife are eating a similar diet (and boy are the other dogs pissed off!). This has all made me just a little overwrought. I work pretty long days with a long commute, and then I come home and try to keep everything together. I know it's temporary, but I suspect it's training for when the twins (girls) get here. Even so, I'm frazzled. And a little fragile.
What does this mean for the weight? Well, I've learned that if I don't try the mac and cheese, I won't feel the need to eat it. But one bite = one plate. Also pop tarts. I had forgotten how compelling they can be. And what I've figured out is that when I'm exhausted and frazzled and overwrought, it's easy to succumb to the available sugar fix.
Yes, I'm up a tiny bit. And yes, I will be more careful going forward. But this is good information for me. In the not so distant future, there is going to be food around that I don't want to eat, and I'm going to be harried and tired and vulnerable. I want to figure out how to avoid that. It might mean cooking more on the weekends for the week. It will also mean having some low cal dessert options around. It will mean being disciplined and attentive. I hope I can do it. I think I can. I haven't really been bingeing. More, I've been lax. Loose. Not careful.
I also realize how much going to the gym can improve the way I feel physically. When I'm stressed out, my neck tenses and hurts. This leads to headaches that feel oddly like sinus pain. A good workout staves off such feelings. So that's useful. I'm trying to take the lessons here and not freak out. So we'll see how it goes.
The other thing that's going on--now it can be told--my lovely wife is pregnant. With twins. And let me tell you, she has been sicker than you can imagine for weeks. She can't keep much down, but she needs the calories because of the kiddos, so she's eating full fat/full calorie versions of everything--lots of ice cream, mac and cheese, cookies, peanut butter, pop tarts. Everything. Lots of carbs, too. In short, the kind of diet that got me where I am. She has lost five pounds. Puking will do that. Morning sickness for her is about 23 hours a day. She is on an anti nausea drug that they give to chemo patients.
What this all means is that I do just about everything around the house--laundry, meals (she can't even go into the kitchen without retching), etc. On the plus side, my dog and my wife are eating a similar diet (and boy are the other dogs pissed off!). This has all made me just a little overwrought. I work pretty long days with a long commute, and then I come home and try to keep everything together. I know it's temporary, but I suspect it's training for when the twins (girls) get here. Even so, I'm frazzled. And a little fragile.
What does this mean for the weight? Well, I've learned that if I don't try the mac and cheese, I won't feel the need to eat it. But one bite = one plate. Also pop tarts. I had forgotten how compelling they can be. And what I've figured out is that when I'm exhausted and frazzled and overwrought, it's easy to succumb to the available sugar fix.
Yes, I'm up a tiny bit. And yes, I will be more careful going forward. But this is good information for me. In the not so distant future, there is going to be food around that I don't want to eat, and I'm going to be harried and tired and vulnerable. I want to figure out how to avoid that. It might mean cooking more on the weekends for the week. It will also mean having some low cal dessert options around. It will mean being disciplined and attentive. I hope I can do it. I think I can. I haven't really been bingeing. More, I've been lax. Loose. Not careful.
I also realize how much going to the gym can improve the way I feel physically. When I'm stressed out, my neck tenses and hurts. This leads to headaches that feel oddly like sinus pain. A good workout staves off such feelings. So that's useful. I'm trying to take the lessons here and not freak out. So we'll see how it goes.
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