I've gotten some sleep lately.  The Ambien helps.  So that's good.

I am the same weight I was in August.  Now, people close to me--and I may have said it before--have pointed out that I've had a lot going on since, say, Thanksgiving.  Staying the same is, therefore, a win.

It is a win.  I know that.  Given how I've lived in the past, a plateau is a decent thing.  I wish I'd been keeping better track of my measurements, because I get the sense that I'm still shrinking a bit (everywhere but the waist).  I'm still frustrated. 

It's possible that I'm not eating enough for my size, but I find that hard to believe.  I eat plenty.  I really do.

Lately, I've had some slippage into the not so great for you items (a scone or two, that kind of thing).  Calorie-wise, I'm fine, but I really do believe that crappy food is a hindrance to the goal.

My kids are due in August.  I'd love to drop 20 by then.  But there's no race.  I'll keep doing what I'm doing.  (Oh, and after several weeks off, I'm getting to the gym pretty regularly.  That won't hurt.)

So, more plateau, but not gains.  Yay me.

Sleep

A long time ago, say ten years ago, I had this idea that sleep was a wasteful activity if you wanted to drop weight, because it's not an active thing.  You're lying down, not moving much, not breathing much, etc.  I figured you'd be better off to stay up late, especially if you were doing something active (I was never, however, one to go out dancing into the wee hours).

Of course, they (who are they?  I don't know) tell me that I was wrong.  Sleep is an integral part of life, and lack of sleep does more than give you a bad mood.  It fights your weight loss activity (both by making you hungry and by jacking with your metabolism).  In fact, a doctor once told me not to exercise if it meant missing sleep.  I sort of think I remember reading that lack of sleep is associated with higher levels of cortisol, the stress hormone.  Cortisol also fights your efforts to trim down.

For the last five or six weeks, I have been waking up anywhere from 2am to 4am and then been unable to go back to sleep.  (It's possible that I'm dreaming I'm awake or am in some strange light sleep, but it's not flat out unconsciousness.)  It's troubling because I know I'm not functioning at my peak.  I also tend to fall asleep about 8pm, which can't help.  Ambien has only helped sporadically.  I have actually taken an Ambien and only been able to sleep for five hours. 

Sure the possibility of a psychotic break worries me.  But I need all the help I can get to drop the next 20 and then another 20 a few more times.  Sleep is a pleasant way to help with the loss.  I like working out fine, but wow, sleep rocks.

So that's what's going on here.  Trying to sleep, trying to take care of myself appropriately.

Checking In

I haven't tracked in at least a month.  It was one more chore, and I couldn't make myself do it when the wheels came off.  In fact, I couldn't make myself do much of anything.

I have worked out twice since Saturday.  That's a win.  I understand that regular exercise is comparable to or better than meds for overcoming depression.  The standards for "improvement," however, are pretty low.  You can be improved and still miserable.

I've been reading Undoing Depression by Richard O'Connor.  He's a therapist who is also a depressive (his word).  His theory is that depression can become a habit, and the best way to overcome it is therapy and a change in that downward spiral of thinking that is symptomatic of the disease.  (He calls it a disease, and I'm ok with that.  Hell, I embrace it.)  Meditation is likely to help.  He also encourages (repeatedly) regular exercise.  Who am I to argue?  So now that I am functioning and sleeping (more or less), I'm back on the wagon.

I have not gained any weight.  I haven't lost, but if anything, I'm a little smaller.  I have been eating for hunger only (well mostly only), and I've been lucky.  I assume this means that nearly a year of not eating my feelings has become a habit.  This I like.

I'm traveling for work right now, and last night I was able to forego the fries.  This morning at the hotel, I had cereal and fruit instead of the waffle.  Tonight for dinner I avoided the chips and guacamole I like so much.  I guess my point is that I'm taking care of myself in ways that do not include eating for comfort.  This is a huge change in my life.  In fact, I wonder a bit if not eating for comfort helped spur my bad period a month ago.  Emotion has to go somewhere.  Happily, it's not on my ass.  Unhappily, I have to learn to deal with it in other ways.  I guess I'm growing up.  Ha.

Darkness Visible

I stole the title from William Saroyan.

I have found, over the years, that I am prone to depression.  I have had, I think, three seriously depressive periods.  I'm just coming out of one (knock wood).  If you have ever suffered from this, you know how debilitating and freaking scary it is.  Forget about decent sleep.  One is hopeless and joyless.  Suicide seems like one of the few good resolutions.  It's not rational, and even if you recognize that, you don't care.  I could go on, but I won't.  I don't really want to think about the last month or so.

If  you have read my past entries, you know I've had a lot going on.  I reached my limit, and I was spun.  I'm doing much better now.  Meds and therapy help.  My wife is unbelievably kind and supportive. 

I didn't eat.  I couldn't.  (This is a first.  I'm ok with not wanting to eat, too.)  But I have not been tracking, and I have not limited what I've been eating.  Willingness to eat has been enough.  My appetite is back, and I don't feel much need to eat a lot.  It makes me thing that whatever my issues, I might have--for the moment--changed my relationship with food over the last year.  I hope so.

If you suffer, my heart goes out to you.  I have found a book called Undoing Depression pretty useful.  You can read about it here www.undoingdepression.com.

I'll be writing more here later.  But that's all for now.

Woof.

It's been a while since I posted.  I've been completely overwhelmed on a number of levels lately, and I just don't have it in me to post right now.  I will be back, but I need some time to work on some other things.

Hope you're all well.

Primarian

So after several days, nearly a week, here's what I have to say about eating Primarian.  I am rarely ravenous.  Mostly I get hungry enough to realize it's dinner time.  This is good.  I don't know if I feel better physically by getting rid of most flour-based carbs.  Stay tuned for that.  What I do know is that it's really, really hard to get enough calories if you're a large person, as I am.

I believe that you should eat at least your BMR.  Mine is around 2600.  If I were in a coma, the hospital would give me 2600 calories of something, just to keep me alive.  This week, I have eaten a lot of protein, fruits, and vegetables.  At least 1.5 ounces of walnuts and/or almonds a day, too.  And frozen yogurt with frozen fruit (so glad to have rediscovered frozen fruit.  I have had a very hard time hitting 2600.  Other than that, I'm good.

I don't want to lose more muscle than necessary on the way down.  That only compromises one's metabolism.  But I do want to lose.  I've seen some movement on the scale.  It's up and down within a week, but it seems to be on the low side.  This is good.  I've sort of revised my goal to losing another 20-25 pounds before the babies come.  I can do that, right?  August?  That would get me solidly in the xxl range.  I would like this.  It opens up a whole new set of options for buying clothes.  Most mainstream places have xxl clothes for men.

The thing I've decided to do is eat more dairy than would constitute a strictly primarian diet.  Milk is part of farm culture, and there's pretty good evidence that adults shouldn't be drinking or eating dairy anyway.  But it's a decent source of decent calories, so I'm going to stick with it.  Low fat versions, of course, to stay away from saturated fats.  But yeah, I'm keeping that. 

This week I've been around 2300 calories a day.   We'll see how that goes.  My fantasy is that all this protein combined with some weight lifting will keep my muscle where it is.  Cross your fingers.

Stuck

So, I was talking to my stepson earlier, and I told him that I was frustrated that my weight is the same now as it was in October.  He gave me a gift--pointing out that I've had a lot going on (including the holidays) since then.  I told my wife about it, and she said I've said the same thing several times.  I guess I forgot.

I keep trying to remember that in my world, not gaining is a win.  So I guess I'm winning.

Still.

I got a copy of Barbara Berkeley's book, Refuse to Regain:  12 Tough Rules to Maintain the Body You've Earned.  Her website is linked at right.  This book and website are really geared toward maintenance, but I figure it can't hurt to see what the future looks like, especially since I'm basically maintaining right now.  She thinks--and this is probably somewhat controversial--that weight loss and gain are not limited to calories in/calories out. 

Her thesis:
"...Foods that stimulate insulin [cause problems].  Insulin causes fat storage and traps fat in the fat cells so that it cant be released.  Cutting out all carbs except for vegetables and low sugar fruits is essential.  That includes whole grains.  And by the way, the weight you lost will come back if you reintroduce these foods!"

Dr. Berkeley is a weight loss physician with the Cleveland clinic.  She's no slouch.  She advocates what she calls a Primarian diet for weight maintenance.  This is a diet based on human genetics.  We did not evolve to eat most carbs--grains, sure, but also beans, tubers, and other starchy foods.  These cause insulin resistance in fat people or previously fat people, and lead to gaining weight.  That's the simple explanation, but the full discussion is not much more complicated than that.  Just as you'd feed a lion only raw meat, you should feed yourself what you evolved to eat.  This is a pre-agrarian thing.  Agriculture is only 10,000 years old.  We have not had time to evolve to eat post-agriculture cuisine.  Eat only what you could find in the woods.  Lean meat, fish, fowl, nuts, veggies, most fruits. 


Well, that's limiting.  But I've been reading about the glycemic index for years.  I can see the connection.  So I'm going to try to eat in a Primarian way.  But not stupidly.  I still think you have to eat enough (at least your BMR, and probably a bit more).  Here's the thing.  If you don't eat carbs (or not much), it's HARD to eat a lot of calories.  An eight ounce chicken breast is 260 calories.  If I am supposed to be eating 2700 calories, it's going to be a trick to eat a lot of clean food.  I'm going to give it a shot.  That's a lot of veggies and chicken.  But what else am I doing?  (And I think I'm feeling better, so the gym beckons.)