Addiction

Go read this post.  Seriously.

http://theantijared.com/2010/10/i-am-a-food-addict.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheAnti-jared+%28The+Anti-Jared%29

Family

I have written about feeling as though I didn't measure up in my family because I was a fat kid.  Could be true or I could have been projecting.  Who can tell?  But it was a burden on them, my being fat.  I know this.  (I also know that family members burden each other by their behavior all the time, but that's not what this blog is about.)

Also, I'm not writing about this to stoke my already-strong sense of guilt.  I just think it's interesting.  When we were in high school, my younger brother and some friends started a band in my parents' basement.  I was not a fan, but that's not the story.  One of the guys was a nice enough kid, but eventually there was a falling out, and the band, um, disbanded.

Recently, that kid posted to my brother's Facebook page:  "I'm glad you're not you're not obese like your family."  My brother took great offense.  I have never seen such invective on Facebook.  He's very loyal to the family, even if we don't always agree, and he was outraged.  I'm not the only fat one in the family, and my brother--he'd admit--is decently marbled.  But he's mostly been the thinnest one in the family for years. 

What an insult!  Obese.  Even if it's true.  Not the same as saying, I'm glad you don't have brown hair like your family.  Not the same as, I'm glad you're not a lawyer like the people in your family.  Truth as insult.  It's interesting.  I think the reason it hurts is because no one who is fat doesn't know he or she is fat.  You know from the minute you get up in the morning, get dressed, eat, and go to work.  Having people point it out just adds to the burden.

I feel bad that my brother got this reaction.  I'm also gratified that he ditched this guy in favor of his family.  But hell, I'm glad my brother isn't obese, too.  I wish no one else in the family were.  It would be easier for everyone.

Of course, my theme is that obesity, in my experience, is mostly about using food as a drug--as an way to escape problems.  In that way, we're a family of alcoholics or heroin users.  It's just that everyone can see it when they see us.  If I could quit ingesting food, I'd have done it years ago.  I'm working hard to quit "using" food.

If you go look at Sean's website (losingweighteveryday--linked at the right), you will see that he's made his peace with food.  It's his friend now.  I'm working on that, too.  Food is fuel.

Fear

I don't know about you, but I have made a commitment to change my life and to become a thin person for the years I have left.

I have done this at least twice before.

I really think I have it in me to lose the weight and to keep it off.

The possibility of failure scares me to death.

Like Drew Carey, I am sick of being fat.  When I lost about 80 pounds in high school, I went to a doctor who had me write down everything I ate and limited me to 1500 calories a day.  If you figure my BMR, that was really, really low.  (Doctors, as a rule, don't know much about nutrition, and the honest ones will admit it.)  I looked good,  but I was pretty sure that once I was thin, I would never have a problem again.  In fact, my dad told me I would always have to be careful, but I just thought he was being a dick.  I gained it back, no problem.  And then some, of course, because that is the refrain to this song.

When I lost about 120 pounds in college, I had no idea what i was doing.  I really didn't.  Back then (late 80s), it wasn't as easy as it is now to get information about how to lose weight safely or how to keep it off.  Here's what I did:  I ate one meal a day, anything I wanted.  This was lunch around 4pm, probably 1000 to 1500 calories.  I ate some more after I turned 21 and could drink beer whenever I wanted.  (Heh.)  But I didn't know anything about working out, and I didn't think I'd need to do that.  I didn't know about BMR, etc.  And I thought that once I was down, I would never be up again.  At 21, I was down to 220 to 225.  You can see a picture on this page.

From age 21-26, I put on 35 to 40 pounds.  Law school will do that to you, especially if you don't know how to eat and don't work out.  I weighed about 260 when I got married at 26. 

From 26 to 37, I put on about 140 pounds, up to 350.  When my wife and I split, I put on at least another 50.  I assume my high was 400, give or take.

So here I am now, doing it again.  I scares me.  It really does.  Eating more (see below) scared me.  What if I start gaining?  What if I eat something and binge?  What if I fall off the wagon completely?  And what if I lose all the weight, buy all new clothes, and then gain 100 pounds?

It could happen.  It has twice.  I think this time is different because I know now that I have to be careful every day from now on.  It's daunting to think of that, but I can do it today.  I can do it tomorrow.  I'm planning on going to meetings forever, too, just like any addict.

It's also easier because I'm actually learning about the mechanics of the body, how much to eat (especially to eat enough).  I work out, too.  When I started losing in 2007, I started going to the gym.  The first time I got on an elliptical machine, I lasted five minutes, and I thought I would die.  Now I go 45 or 50 minutes.  I could go longer, too, but I usually get bored or run out of time before I run out of steam.  I actually like being at the gym, and I LOVE having worked out.  But it's hard to get off the couch most of the time.  (I had a zen moment a few months ago.  I was bored at home on a weekend, so I went to work out.  Amazing!)  Working out is great because everything hangs better. 

I hope this time is different.  I'm trying not to make pronouncements about the rest of my life.  I'm trying to take it all a day at a time, to make the right choices.  A lot of this is about caring for myself instead of punishing myself.  I think I've decided I deserve to be healthy and happy.  I hope it sticks.

Plateau, redux

Ok, the experiment panned out (at least this week).  Because I am a big guy, I get the max WW points--44.  I also get 35 points per week extra.  This is 308+35 or 343 total for the week.  (I'm moving to a weekly food tracking concept rather than daily.)  I had 393.5 points this week.  This is an average of 56 points a day, but as a practical matter, I had a couple of 39 point days and a couple of 70+ point days (70 is a lot, but amazingly, not that hard to do, especially if you're traveling and eating the standard American diet).

Drum roll--down 1.4 for the week, for a total of  33.8 pounds, give or take.  I don't know what I'll do this week, but I definitely think eating more didn't hurt me.  It might have helped.  I think I'll stick to an average of at least 53 points a day, and see how it goes.

The thing to remember is that it's not a race.  This is hard for me.  I want it all gone NOW, because I want to look great and wear cool clothes NOW.  Seriously.

The tools on the Fat2Fit Radio site (at right) are pretty useful in calculating caloric needs, etc.  Those guys are two men who have struggled with weight issues for a long time, have lost a lot of weight, and have kept it off.  They aren't selling a plan.  They have this concept that to be the thin person you want to be, you have to act like a thin person.  They think most people trying to lose weight don't eat enough.  I've been trying to keep my focus on eating now like I plan (and want) to eat forever.  So far so good.  In fact, it was really really hard for me to eat significantly more this week (85 points more!) than last week.  I don't want to mess up.  I don't want to backslide.  I could not bring myself to eat a cinnamon roll (a huge weakness for me), even though I wanted to eat more and had the capacity.  Even when they were free at the hotel.  Seriously.  I might have changed something.  That or my insanity has dovetailed into the life I want to live.

I'll take it.

And I'll take the 1.4.

Plateau

Weight Watchers says you're in a plateau if you lose less than half a pound for six weeks.  I'm not quite that patient.  I've been hovering now for about five weeks.  In fact, I haven't lost all that much all summer.  It's mostly been consistent, but not much.  I'm hoping for and average of 1.5 a week, or at least 1.3.  I don't think that's crazy--I'm a big guy.  But it's been a pound over the last five weeks.  Total.  So, what to do?

I've been reading a lot about weight loss.  I'm particularly interested in how contrary to evolution that it is.  We have adapted to put on weight easily so when times are tough, we don't die.  Losing weight is contrary to that adaptation.  (If you don't believe in evolution, I can't help you.)  In fact, to lose weight consistently, you don't have to cut calories much.  A couple of hundred a day will do it, depending on where you start.

Plateaus happen, I understand, when one's body finally tumbles to the fact that there's less food coming in than there was before.  Then it slows the metabolism to adjust.  The way to deal with this is to keep moving and to--wait for it--eat more. 

More?

More.

You can also alter how much you eat by day, while keeping the same total points/calories for the week.  That's called, I think, the zigzag.

I have been eating 44 WW points (and some of the weekly, depending on the week) since April.  At 58 calories per point (average), that's about 2550 calories.  That's plenty.  But according to a couple of calculators I have used online, my BMR is more like 2700 calories.  This means even in a coma, I would drop some weight.  I think my body finally figured it out.

Here's my experiment this week.  Fourty-four points a day is 308 for the week.  I rarely eat more than half of the additional 35 WW allows.  I'm going to eat those this week, too.  Sunday, I ate 39.5.  But Monday-Wednesday I was over 50 (by a lot Tues and Wed).  I have 134 left for the week, so that should be plenty.  Three days at 44 is 132.  So I'll have the same in the week, but maybe my body will think things have changed because of the last couple of days.

If it doesn't work, it's only slowed me down.  That's all.  So what the hell.  I'll let you know how it goes.

What's Wrong with Hunger?

I see ads all the time for things that are intended as appetite suppressants. You won't be hungry, so you'll eat less, lose weight, have a great life, etc.

I don't think they work. By this I don't mean that they won't make you stop feeling hunger. They may. But physical hunger is not the problem for most people.

If you read other blogs--Theantijared (linked at the side) is a good example--what you'll find is that people who get really big are not eating because they are physically hungry--tummies rumbling, etc. They eat because there's some kind of emotional hunger that they're using food to deal with. They could be alcoholics or heroin addicts, but they're using food. I have used food in this way. Sometimes I still want to, but--so far--I've been good about not doing that. (I hope it lasts.)

Case in point. I have a friend whose dad is about 54 years old. He was, in his youth, a thin guy. He's 6'2", and was around 200 pounds when he was in his twenties. As of a year ago, he was 585. That makes his basal metabolic rate (BMR) something around 4300 calories a day. BMR is a measure of what your body will burn just to sustain itself (i.e. if you were in a coma). I'm here to tell you, 4300 calories is a lot of food. My own BMR today is about 2681, and I'm over 300 pounds. That's plenty of food for anyone.

I have heard/read from more than once source that if you eat your BMR every day, you'll lose weight, because the activity of the day puts you over that. I believe it. So my friend's dad could eat 4300 calories and lose weight. He isn't. He's eating more. So here's the question. Why?

Is he physically hungry? I doubt it. Forty-three hundred calories is about 74 WW points. I could calculate the equivalent in food, but I'll just say this: that's about four and a half pounds of chicken a day (if he were eating only chicken). It's a lot of food.

I think he doesn't eat for hunger. I think he eats for other reasons. Maybe just because it's good. But not for physical hunger. (In fact, the only real issue I have with WW is that one is required to eat all of one's points every day. I understand why. You don't want to eat less than your BMR, or your body will think it's starving and start to waste muscle. The metabolism also slows down. But I want to get out of the habit of eating when I'm not hungry, so if at the end of the day I have points left, it's a struggle.)

Drugs that suppress appetite are not going to help my friend's dad. They're not going to help me. For my whole life, actual physical hunger has been secondary to whether I eat or not. I think it is for most people who have weight problems.

What's wrong with hunger, anyway? It's uncomfortable and distracting, yes. But that's all. At least, that's all here in the US where food of all kinds is plentiful. (I'm not talking about people who can't afford food. Though being poor can make you fat if you can only afford cheap, bad-for-you food like 50 cent frozen burritos.) So hunger.

I used to eat too much food (and I still think about doing this all the time) because I didn't want to get too hungry before the next meal. But, where ever I am, I can get more food. The key, for me, is to have food on hand that I want. I'm not talking about chips (though Pop Chips are great). I'm talking about fruit, maybe yogurt or milk, and, in a pinch, a Fiber One bar. (I'm not advertising--just saying what works for me.) These things help me stave off physical hunger. I don't want french fries for that.

Sometimes I just want to eat. Hunger has nothing to do with it. Yesterday was like that. I was agitated and wanted to eat. I was driving, so boredom probably had something to do with that. Usually, I can wait and the feeling will pass. If I'm going to eat, I get something that's not too horrible. Pop Chips, baked chips, beef jerky (high in sodium, low in everything else), a V8. Things that will keep me occupied but will be within my points. Cross your fingers.

Also, here are some pix. I love seeing pictures on others' blogs, so here are mine. I block out the eyes because I feel shy about it. First one is me at my biggest. Second one is me a few weeks ago. Again, so far so good.

Traveling

I travel fairly often. Not as much as some, a lot more than others. Traveling for me doesn't always mean overnight. Sometimes I'm just out of the office. But being out of the office during the day can be almost as tricky as being in airports. At the office, I know the places I like to have lunch, especially the salad place, Mixt Greens. I can have a semblance of a routine in the office that helps me eat well.

Airports can be tough; driving can be hard. I am increasingly willing to forego crappy food for something workable. I will drive around and look for what I really want instead of settling for a breakfast burrito that won't fill me up and will wipe out a bunch of WW points anyway.

One thing I do is I bring snacks. Fiber One bars are good, and they keep me satiated long enough to get to a meal. They are two points (three for peanut butter). Yes, they are processed food. But for what they are, they're pretty good. And they can be a very nice alternative to a candy bar (which I mostly don't eat and mostly don't miss).

Starbuck's--the skinny latte is great and gives me a milk. The breakfast sandwiches are good. The oatmeal, too--two points with nothing in it. The brown sugar is one, and the dried fruit is two. The nuts are another two. I skip the nuts, and I often only have half the fruit. In a pinch, an Egg McMuffin is only 7 points. That works, too.

Subway--don't fight it. It can be plenty of food for not much in the way of points. That was lunch.

I go to groceries a lot when I can. I get some fruit, veggies if they're easy (but I don't like most raw ones unless they come in a salad), and a sandwich or a roasted chicken.

Tonight (Dallas, Oregon!) I did that--roasted chicken, an artichoke salad (the oil was more than I wanted, but it was olive oil, so I get in some good fat), a couple of oranges, and a bagel. I wanted some bread. That put me a little over my points for the day, but not the week. It's Thursday and I'm not even close. I have a Greek yogurt for dessert if I want it, but I'm pretty full right now. And I have an orange left, too.

I didn't eat the dark meat on the chicken. Don't get me wrong. I love it. But I've had enough. I'm going to toss the rest of it. I'm not going to feel guilty, either. It was a five dollar chicken, and if I could mail it somewhere they need food, I would. But I don't need more than I have had.

This was pretty much my day. I repeat it fairly often. I don't really feel deprived. I feel pretty good about being careful, about not feeling bloated and gross after eating too much delivery pizza. I considered ordering a pizza because I was on the road this morning at 5am. It was tempting, but I'm glad I made the effort to go the grocery.

One more tip: shellfish is your friend. Now, this may not play well in non-coastal areas. I have an indigenous food rule when I travel: you only eat food indigenous to the area. No jambalaya in Iowa, for example (tried that). Chicken is a good bet. Buffalo is very lean. Fish.

Ok, so that's pretty much what I do. It takes some discipline. Easy is almost never that great for you. But if thin were easy, no one would be fat.